Out of the Skids and Into The Win Part III

Roy Buckman was furious. Rage filled his every fiber like a wild jungle cat that had just had sand thrown in its eyes as a defense measure, but really all you have on your hands is an even more pissed off puma. And who wants that? Certainly not our hero Dash, who had hoped he would be welcomed with open arms professed his love for Roy’s daughter. Surely, he thought, their two families would go together like the theoretical union of the Middle East and democracy. Unfortunately, it looked like things were going to end up like the actual union of the Middle East and democracy.

“Dash,” said Roy with a frothing mouth and a wild-eyed stare. “if you think you’re going to marry my daughter you got another thing coming to you. That girl has more class and smarts in left little toe than the entirety you’re whole boonscrabble family. She was reading at a 6th grade level while she was still in diapers. She finished an entire run of Animorphs before she realized she had shit herself. She chose to be the island of Malta in her Junior High’s model UN, and somehow got it a seat on the real UN’s security counsel. She figured out Snape was a triple agent after only reading the first 20 pages of “Sorcerer’s Stone. If you think you can get to that level, you’re just fooling yourself boy”

Dash stood there for a second and thought about all Roy had said. He thought long and hard. Then, with great purpose, he said “Well, Mr. Buckman’s there’s only two things I have to say to you. First, you say Madeline got more class in her left little toe than my whole boonscrabble family. Well if you were anykind of father you would know that Madeline lost her left little toe in a freak wind surfing accident off the coast of Gulf Shores. But I guess you were too busy looking after the team to pay attention to little things like minor amputations. Second, I don’t care what you think about our love. Melanie and I accept each other for who we are. Our love doesn’t have to change to suit anyone’s unyielding idea what a relationship should be, and that includes you Mr. Buckman. As the immortal Bard said:

‘Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or Bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.’

“Those some fancy words boy.” Said Roy, “Where’d you get them from”

“Found them on a plaque for sail in a Sky Mall magazine”

“Well that’s a nice sentiment and all but I’m not sure just a 17^th century sonnet is going to woo my girl when she hears about this secret you’ve been keeping”

Dash tried to remain calm but his heart began racing like something those goes really fast. (I think I got a little bit lazy with that joke) “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Roy spat out a plug of tobacco he had been keeping in his check for about three days and chuckled. “Well we’ll see if a security tape of a certain Wind Tunnel redevous with a familiar older woman jogs your memory. Really, Dash, you should’ve known women generally get turned off when their boyfriends sleep with their mothers. Haven’t you ever seen ‘The Graduate’?”

Dash couldn’t believe his ears. “You wouldn’t! This is just as much an embarrassment to you as it is to me.”

“You think I didn’t know Matilda has been two timing me. She’s slept with more drivers than Jeff Gordon. And that guy is a fucking slut. No, I’ve already sent copies of the tape to Madeline and the Nascar Ethics Committee chair. By then end of the week, you’ll be lucky if you can get a job driving a plastic carrousel pony in a third rate Ukrainian carnival. Now get out of my sight”